The story of James.
Falling pregnant was planned and easy for us. A year before falling pregnant with James, we had decided to start trying. We fell pregnant first go which I know is incredibly lucky. I did feel like it was too good to be true, which as it turned out, it was. At our 8 weeks dating scan, we found out my pregnancy was ectopic and had to go straight to the emergency to have the embryo removed from my fallopian tube. It was sudden and completely heartbreaking.
In the first scan, the technician said that the ectopic was half in my tube and half in my uterus which meant I would be losing both, which also meant that I wouldn’t be able to have children naturally. It was one of the hardest experiences I have ever been through – that baby was so longed for, and dealing with the loss of the pregnancy, along with the news that I may never have children, was unbearable. I had to wait until the next morning to get a new scan to find out exactly what was going on, not knowing what was happening and also getting my vitals checked every 20 minutes as ectopics can rupture at any time.
The next morning was bittersweet. We found that the embryo was implanted outside my uterus and I still had a great chance of carrying again. This story is very long - I had to choose between losing my right tube or taking a chemotherapy drug that might not work and also would leave my body toxic for three months – I was desperate to keep my tube. I had sent my husband home and made the decision to take Methotrexate when a female surgeon came up and begged me to reconsider. She said she had reviewed my case and that surgery was my only option. I should have never been given the drug option as my hormone levels were too high. I could see the severity in her face and I agreed. I phoned Steve to get back as soon as he could, and within minutes, I was prepped for surgery. I am so grateful for that surgeon.
It took over a year to recover emotionally from the loss. I learnt that so many women around me had suffered loss in silence and it broke my heart. I have always been open with my story in the hope that women feel comfortable speaking up or seeking help. We were finally ready to start trying again and we were lucky enough to fall pregnant on the first try again with James (we call him both James and Jimmy). I was so scared this time around. Scared to be too happy. But again I told friends and family early as I did the last so I would have that support. This time was different. I felt EVERYTHING. I knew straight away and for me, every spew came with a side of happiness, knowing that every vomit was my body doing its job. That first 8 weeks were the longest of my life but seeing that tiny heartbeat on screen was something I’ll never forget.
My birth plan was very loose as I believe you can’t plan for birth. But I knew how I wanted to feel during birth. There was a point in my pregnancy where the noise from outside became too much. All of a sudden everyone is telling you what you should and shouldn’t do. Everyone’s stories and advice were really starting to weigh me down.
At that moment I decided to do it myself, just Steve and me. I found that the new wave of birthing voices in Melbourne was too much. I chose to have a hospital birth because I felt so safe with my previous experience yet every voice was telling me to “fuck the patriarchy”, that hospitals were the enemy. I felt so different. I found that the birthing scene here was extremely toxic and all I was hearing was that I would be ‘robbed’ of my birth experience in every doula's post, felt too much. I deleted all the doulas and birthing pages that didn’t align with me and decided to place trust in myself and Steve, and that we would do this alone and in the safe space of a hospital. We did a calm birthing course and took what we needed (not the ‘scripts’). I started to visualise the birth and we trained my body to loosen up and prepared it for the birth. My main focus was remaining calm and open to allow for the smoothest birth I would allow myself.
I loved being pregnant. I miss my bump every day. I have never felt more beautiful or as strong as I did when carrying James. I loved watching him grow and feeling my body shift and expand. I was really sick in the beginning but you forget that so quickly. I also found out I had Gestational Diabetes at 28 weeks which was a huge shock. I was pretty angry about it given I was young and healthy but then I saw it as an opportunity to educate myself about what my body needed for the baby. I was so strict with my diet and controlled it militantly to prevent ever needing to go on insulin. I really see it as a blessing as from 30 weeks I was the healthiest I have ever been in my life. Because of the G.D, I had to be induced. I was scheduled for an induction at 40 weeks and 3 days. I went on a huge walk and left it up to fate. Things had started moving so I left it up to my body to go before and surrendered to the induction if that's what was meant to be. People around passed on their judgements about refusing an induction, how evasive and unnatural they were but I tuned out and surrendered.
I was so excited about the labour, I was so close to meeting my baby. I had my hospital bag packed and was eager to get in there. On Saturday morning, the day of my induction, we went for a long breakfast and a walk then slowly made our way to the Mercy Hospital where we were given our suite. My cervix was already soft and I was 2-3cm dilated so my body was already on its way. I started the induction with the nurse trying to break my waters but it was sore and not happening so Steve told her to stop. The contractions started coming and with a shift in midwives, I found myself with the most beautiful young midwife named Jessie. We sat calm together, her with her hand on my belly, feeling the contractions get stronger, I turned to her and said I loved every contraction as I felt they were taking me closer to meeting my baby. I laboured with Jessie for a long time, just us sitting, focusing on each wave. She was the calmest person I have ever met.
My labour was beautiful. The best thing I have ever experienced. I really gave into my surroundings and trusted Steve and the midwives to guide me. From the moment we arrived in our birth suite we made sure it was calm and quiet. The midwives at the Mercy were incredible. I wanted anyone that came into the room to be calm and quiet and I didn't notice when they walked in and out. I didn’t hold onto any visions of birth that I had before stepping into that room. I have always dreamt of a water birth but I wasn’t able to as I had to have fetal monitoring throughout because of G.D. I also thought I would want to be squatting, walking or swaying but I ended up wanting to lie down towards the end. Steve and I spent my early labour just going with the flow. Watching shows together to stay calm.
Although I was induced I felt in control and totally in sync with the midwives. After 4 hours I was 4 cm and things were starting to go up a gear. I went totally inwards, which if you know me, is very unusual. I went into a deep, trance-like meditation and spoke to the baby the whole time. Steve was by my side counting in contractions with me and encouraging me to breathe and when I needed to come back into the room to communicate. Steve was incredible. He is so calm and composed in every situation, he was with me every second. It was totally surreal, an out-of-body experience. A switch with the midwives team completely threw my focus and suddenly I felt so much pain. I tried desperately to get my focus back but it was too late. I felt all the pain. I have a really low pain threshold and I was devastated that I had lost control.
I made a decision to have an epidural. In the lead up to the birth, I had completely surrendered to the process. I had spoken to a few women who had positive stories about induction, sweeps, etc. that told me to trust my own ability to make the best decision for the baby and me. I had spoken to a few friends that had decided to get or needed an epidural and told me if I needed to have one there was no shame in it. No one gives you an endurance medal at the end and we all have our own personal limitations.
Pre-birth I obviously didn’t want any medical help and wanted to do it naturally but I also recognised that we are privileged to live in a country where the medical advances are so amazing. In that moment, arching my back in pain, having lost all control, I knew that the only way I could get back my calm birth was to get an epidural. Steve made sure it was what I wanted and I knew it was the right decision.
I had an amazing surgeon and midwife team that really listened to me in terms of dosage and a trainee midwife tested me throughout out with ice cubes to make sure I could feel everything but numbed the pain. I felt every contraction and could still feel when on my stomach and legs were touched. I didn’t self administer and worked with our little team to get back into my zone. My waters broke in a tidal wave over a poor OB naturally, just as she was about to break them with a long rod. I remember she was a bit pissed which we found hilarious. Then I was calm and ready to push. I spoke to the baby and began to practice pushing before telling the midwives it was time. It took a while to get him round the bend, his head kept coming then going back and then the obstetrician appeared. My midwife, Crystal, got me out of my trance and told me to look at her. She told me that I could do it, that I had to push like I had never pushed before or the OB would have to help out (suction cup).
Steve encouraged me and I knew it was on. I told them to get the leg supports out so I could push back as much as I could. I gave it everything and our baby boy was here, delivered by Steve and placed on my chest. Born at 1.14am on the 26.01.2020. They all couldn’t believe the size of his head. 38.5cm, the biggest the midwife had ever delivered and I didn’t tear. I’ll never forget that first look. We both looked at him, his big eyes and I thought ‘wow, it’s you’. Steve was having a moment being covered "in butter" then we were left for an hour alone with our new baby, before any checks. I am so grateful to have had such a supported, peaceful birth. That hour alone in the suite was so special.
It’s strange because I expected the movie scene scenario where we looked at each other, tears rolling down our faces but it wasn’t like that at all. It was all just so real. When he was placed on my chest with these big dark eyes it was just a feeling of familiarity. Like we had known him forever. Was there even life before this moment?
Our midwife came back to do his checks which were all great. Then he had to have a heel prick test done because of my G.B, which was the worst thing to experience. It was pretty horrible and his first pain cry. Crystal was still on shift and said that she had referred us for the family room. Our labour was the only one in the whole suite that day without complications. When she said that I remembered the constant ‘code pink’ and ‘code blue’ alarm calls in the background of the birth and felt so lucky to have had a safe delivery. We were given the family room which meant Steve could spend the nights with us. I can’t imagine what it would have been like alone on the first night. We stayed in for 3 nights. The Mercy have really amazing, supportive midwives and I grew a little dependent on them. I struggled with breastfeeding from the beginning and despite him being a great sleeper (5 hours on the first night) he was feeding for up to 3 hours non stop at a time. Because my mum wasn’t here for the birth I felt like I needed that maternal support, this also made me I feel apprehensive about taking him home. The hospital was such a safe space for us.
Bringing him home was surreal. I had imagined bringing a baby home for a long time, nothing can prepare you for the overwhelming love but also the great responsibility. The realisation that we were solely responsible for a new tiny life. That his upbringing would shape who he is to become one day. Naming James (Jimmy for short) Roderick Clark took just over 2 weeks. We had so many girls' names but not many for boys. I loved Jimmy and Sandy, but Steve wasn’t keen. Steve really wanted something traditional and strong. I wanted something beautiful. He ended up being named after my dad and my grandpa with Steve’s uncle Roddy in the middle. It was really hard knowing the name we gave him would play a part in his character.
Becoming a mother has been the biggest lesson and instigator for change. Giving birth gave me so much inner strength. Knowing I grew and nurtured a baby and brought him into this world is too big for words. The growth you face as individuals and together is also something I wasn’t prepared for. I mean, it’s pretty understandable but when you're preparing so much for a baby, you forget to prepare yourself. This tiny thing needs you, in every moment of every day. I have worked since I was 14, I had to, it's part of my identity and I worked 6 days a week throughout my pregnancy, only stopping the day before going in for my induction, which I actually think really affected me.
Going from fast forward to pause during a global pandemic was really hard to adjust to. I went back to work 2 weeks after giving birth, strapping him in the carrier to shoot, taking him on location for jobs, etc. I lived for his naps so I could ‘get shit done’. I functioned on being busy. Then one day it hit me. Well, I had a meltdown and Steve stepped in and told me I had to stop.
What the fuck was I doing? I had waited my whole life for a baby and now I was working those really precious new days away. Now he is my priority. I have been financially independent from such a young age that it has been really difficult for me to step back with work.
I'm the eye-roller when people talk about self-discovery (it’s a Scottish thing) but I can understand the reference to rebirthing when becoming a mother. It has given me so much respect for women. What we are capable of doing with our bodies, the endurance and strength in growing and labour, and in loss. Motherhood has taught me to let go of judgement. No one knows the ‘correct’ way. It's all instinct. Growing and birthing James has also taught me the importance of nutrition. I am so thankful I got Gestational Diabetes as it made me the healthiest version of myself for James and also taught me how to properly take care of my health. I have also discovered I'm as stubborn as an Ox and have so much unknown strength within myself. He has shown me the endless capacity to love and unbounded patience.
When you become a parent, your entire being alters. You have a new purpose and meaning in life. That also alters your relationship. A new, little and sweet baby is the centre of your focus and you both become second. Life and relationships are all about growth and coming back to one another. It is the biggest lesson in trust and surrender.
Words and images by Bobby Clark.
Bobbyclark.com.au
@bobbyclark____