Save our sleep: an alternative version.
Image by @Angelickpicture
Five years ago, I went into motherhood with eyes wide open – or so I thought. I longed for my firstborn for years before she was born so I felt very ready to be a mother - mentally, emotionally and physically too. I felt prepared for the changes a baby would bring to my life, as well as the challenges and the joy.
What I wasn’t prepared for, was a baby who woke every two hours (or less) throughout the night until she was 10 months old. A baby who would only catnap during the day, and for those sleeps, would only sleep in a carrier or on me. I wasn’t prepared for a baby who turned into a toddler who turned into a child who, to this day, remains wakeful all through the night.
But it wasn’t the sleep deprivation that I found the hardest, it was that the only advice I seemed to receive was how to fix it - how to fix her, like my daughter was broken. I felt so incredibly alone during those early years. Where was the advice on trusting my intuition as a mum? That it is completely normal for a baby to be held or fed to sleep, or both. The reassurance that I was doing the right thing for my child by making her feel safe? That sometimes kids just don’t sleep, and no amount of sleep training is going to change that? And perhaps the most significant, that this may last years, not months or weeks – and that is ok?
My daughter Sunny is the absolute light of my life. She brings sunshine wherever she goes. She gives the best cuddles, has the kindest heart, and is more than I could ever have dreamed of. She’s also incredibly sensitive. She analyses every situation. She feels deeply, she dreams deeply, she scares easily, she likes contact and comfort at all times. I’ve come to learn, and accept, that she needs human touch to get to sleep and to fall back to sleep. And five years in, I can count on one hand how many times she has ‘slept through the night’.
For a long time, I wondered whether she was ‘manipulating’ us. Were we doing the wrong things? A shitty job? Were we too soft on her? I wondered about these things because the conversation around sleep tells us what babies should be doing. What parents should be doing – as if it’s a one size fits all approach – and it truly left me feeling so helpless.
It took me some time to get there, but the answer to all of the above is, of course, no. HELL NO.
I’ve learned a wakeful child does not need ‘fixing’ and I understand now that my co-sleeping, feeding on demand, rocking to sleep, the bum-patting approach hasn’t impacted the way in which Sunny does or doesn’t sleep.
I know this because I had the same parenting approach when my second daughter Ari was born and at around five months old, she started sleeping pretty consistently. And independently. And she has ever since. She’s coming up two and she tells us when she’s ready for bed. She doesn’t need rocking or shushing or patting - just a kiss, a cuddle and a “goodnight darling”. She doesn’t need us to resettle her during the night and she wakes up smiling and singing to herself.
With Ari, I did all of the same things I did with Sunny, but the biggest difference was a shift in my mindset. Instead of worrying about sleep and the lack thereof, instead of worrying about what she should be doing or what was ‘normal’, I surrendered to her needs and I savoured every wake up with her.
I largely have an Instagram account called Raised Good to thank that shift. I was three and a half years into parenting when I came across it and I finally felt like I’d found something I could relate to. Permission to accept infant sleep for what it is and a proclamation, and the evidence to support it, that responsive parenting is beneficial for both mum and baby.
“When we choose to deal with the reality our child is showing us, rather than the fantasy that's marketed to us, we’re able to identify the root of the problem. In the haze of new parenthood, we don't need quick fixes, we need support. We need shoulders to cry on.
We need people in our lives who are willing to step up and help, instead of pressuring us into sleep training and unfairly putting the weight of responsibility on the tiniest shoulders in our families. We need someone to care for our baby while we take a shower.
Someone to make us breakfast, to fill our water bottles, to fold the washing, to help us feel human. Someone to remind us that the sacrifices we are making are monumentally worthwhile. Someone to help us create rhythms and sleep practices that care for parents without compromising the valid needs of babies.
So, don’t let others define your relationship with your child.
Use your nights to choose midnight cuddles and morning snuggles. To respond to your child and nurse in synchrony with his needs. To teach your baby that he can trust you to reliably respond to him.
To reassure him that he can rest in your love, not work for it. To establish healthy emotional patterns within his rapidly developing brain that his needs matter and that his voice will be heard.
No matter what some may say, it is impossible to spoil your baby by being responsive. So, trust your instincts. Follow your innate wisdom & believe your baby. Let him guide you to show you what he needs, day & night” - @raisedgood.
What I loved most, is that Tracy didn’t discredit any other parenting approach, she simply offered an alternative to the most common narratives. Reading about sleep in a different way made me feel more confident, empowered and less alone. I hope deeply that the conversation around sleep starts to get more diverse as well as more supportive. Instead of asking a new mum how her baby slept last night, why not ask her what you can do for her? Or better yet, do something for her (Hot Tip! Taking care of dinner is always a good idea). Instead of suggesting sleep schedules from the get-go, why not share stories of the beauty of midnight cuddles? Instead of normalising rigid sleep routines, let’s share our normal and let other parents figure out what feels right for them. Let’s support one another’s choices and remind each other that every baby is different. Every parent is different and getting our babies to sleep isn’t a sign of parenting success.
I couldn’t tell you the last time I slept ‘through the night’ and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t exhausted but I wouldn’t wish away our ‘normal’. My daughters have taught me that I am capable of more than I could ever have imagined. They have taught me what being selfless truly is. They encourage me to show up every day, even when it’s really fucking hard. And they love me unconditionally – even on the days when I don’t have much more in me than peanut butter sandwiches and books in bed.
Parenting is a wild ride. And it’s certainly not made any easier when we’re told what we should be doing and how we should be doing it. There’s the age-old saying – trust your gut – and while many of us try to, I think it would be a little easier if the most common parenting narratives weren’t all so single-minded - especially when it comes to sleep.
So whatever your version of sleep, I leave you with this: Remember that everything is temporary - the good and the bad. Savour the good, learn from the bad and know that you’re more than enough for your baby.
You’re doing an amazing job.
Words by Kelly Müller.
@kellymuller__
kellymuller.com
Image by @Angelickpicture