Infertility, loss and the birth of our son.
Trigger warning – this essay includes details of miscarriage and stillbirth.
Talking about loss is hard, but it is even more difficult for those enduring it. It’s uncomfortable and impossible to put yourself in the shoes of the women who have lost their baby or babies, at any stage. There are no words to describe this type of heartache but the reality is 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss, and every day six babies are born still sleeping.
This story belongs to Tara Irving, but it could be any one of the 1 in 4 women. By sharing her experience with IVF, miscarriage and stillbirth we hope to remove the stigma and give light to non-linear paths to motherhood, helping those who are enduring the pain of loss to feel seen and heard. For those who are lucky enough to have not experienced a loss of this kind, we hope this encourages you to hold space for those who have.
For as long as I can remember, I had always wanted to be a mum. We had both always wanted to be parents. I have a few health concerns that make it hard to conceive, which we knew of when we started this journey. We knew it wasn’t going to be easy and were prepared for the process to take time. Our specialists were confident with a little support, we would be fine, and in 2016 we decided to just start trying, the natural way.
A year went by. An entire year of trying. A year of negative pregnancy tests. Not even a false positive. Nothing. So, we decided to go back to the specialist and start fertility medications – we just wanted to meet our beautiful baby and this seemed like the only way, but after months, rolled into years, and as heartache grew, so did our determination to start a family.
By 2019 we finally decided to start our IVF journey. This process was daunting, expensive and taxing on our physical and mental health, but we pushed through. On our second round, we were blessed with a positive pregnancy test. The fear, unfortunately, kept creeping in, and at around the 6 week mark, when most were seeing their baby for the first time on the screen, we found ourselves in the emergency department, terrified. After hours of waiting, we finally were moved through to have a scan and that’s when we saw the heartbeat and not just one but two strong heartbeats. We were having twins! As it turns out, a Hematoma caused the unexpected bleeding. At this time, we felt over the moon and both cried tears of happiness – this was the happiest we had felt in a long time. The next few weeks were joyous – we were busy planning how we were going to manage the twins. Twins. We still couldn’t believe it.
Even with strong heartbeats, our twins were still considered high risk. There was a lot of bed rest, a lot of good food and a lot of taking it easy. Sadly the bed rest wasn’t enough. At 8.5 weeks, we lost the twins due to hematoma. The pain was physically and mentally excruciating for both my husband and I. We found ourselves in such a lonely place during and after the miscarriage, which at the time went on for weeks.
We never considered that after everything we had been through with IVF, this would or could happen. And we weren’t prepared for the trauma that went alongside this. A couple of weeks later, I was admitted to the hospital for the dilation and curettage procedure.
In 2020, after a bit of a break, we decided to start the IVF process once again. By this time we were up to about our 9th round of IVF after experiencing a few failed transfers and the loss of our twins. As hard as this journey was, we felt giving up wasn’t an option. We had to keep trying.
After more injections, another surgery and our fifth transfer we were finally pregnant again! Everything was going smoothly, we were over the moon and enjoyed every moment of our pregnancy. We told our family and friends, and our hearts were full. We were so relieved, happy and in disbelief that we were finally here.
On September 17th 2020, the unimaginable happened. I birthed and lost my rainbow baby at 17 weeks. I had a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy after years of IVF and fertility treatments, with no warning signs, until my waters broke. We spent the next few days in the hospital. The doctors encouraged us to terminate the pregnancy as without the waters being present the chance of survival for this baby was extremely low, but how could we? We just couldn’t bring ourselves to do this to our sweet boy, Angel, who we had already waited years to meet.
Within a few days, I went into natural labour with my husband by my side and birthed our beautiful son in the maternity ward amongst many other mothers and new parents. Ten fingers, ten toes, the most perfect little baby we had ever seen. While we were filled with so much pride, that we had become parents to this beautiful little boy, but the world felt cold and dark. We felt alone and weren’t sure how to tell our family and friends, the same people who we had celebrated with only a few weeks ago.
From the hospital bed with our son by our side in his cot, we shared the news with our family. After about a week, I shared our loss on social media, to let everyone know – it felt easier than announcing it one by one. At this stage, I had hit rock bottom. Physically and mentally.
My breast milk came in, I was sore, my stomach was still swollen, I was battling the hormone drop and looking back, I’m sure I had PTSD which continued for some time after, as well as coping with the loss of my son.
We had given birth to our firstborn son but went home empty-handed, with the milk dripping from my body. The physical and emotional pain was a daily reminder of what we had lost. As the months went by, I was able to talk about my son and the experience more and more. I knew this was the way forward, the way to healing, the way to helping others, and the way to keeping our baby boys name alive.
If there is anything that should be taken from my story, it is that talking about your loss, no matter how big or small – it’s okay to keep your baby’s name alive. It’s okay to name your baby even if it’s years later, it’s okay to gently ask others about their experience, it’s okay to be gentle on yourself and it’s okay to be gentle on others. It’s okay to talk about these losses, and for me, this has become an important part of the healing process – it’s also okay to not talk about it if you don’t feel comfortable, but it is vital to seek support during these times.
I hope my story helps to raise awareness and to help shed light on a dark conversation because the truth is, this is not only my story but many others. I hope that by sharing, others will too, and slowly we are pulling that stigma apart one loving conversation and one caring action at a time.
If you have suffered a miscarriage or navigating perinatal, or neonatal loss or stillbirth, and need help, please contact reach out to Sands, Bears Of Hope, Red Nose, Still Birth Foundation or Sails.
If you’re worried about how to support a friend who is has suffered a miscarriage, or is navigating perinatal, or neonatal loss or stillbirth, here are Tara’s tips on how you can be there –
Check-in via text – the person may not be ready to talk about their loss but a text just to let them know you are thinking about them, always helps. Don’t expect a reply but know this is appreciated.
Care packages – After pregnancy loss, the body goes through a lot of stress and change. Milk can come in, hormones are raging and she may experience discomfort for a few weeks, which also means she will need pads, big undies, wheat packs and some fresh pyjamas.
Food helps – Let’s not forget about the partners, they struggle too and even the thought of dinner or grocery shopping can be overwhelming. Drop some dinners over (just leave at the door and a text to let them know). Don’t ask just do.
Remember their loss – As time goes by our losses are never forgotten. Open up a gentle conversation about it, talk to them about it, ask them if they are okay and listen to how they are feeling.
Look after the partner – Something we should never forget is the other parent? Acknowledge their pain by checking in with them, asking if there is anything you can do to help, and if they decline try to help out anyway by offering to do things like the grocery shopping, take the dog for a walk, drop them a coffee and let them know you are here to help.
Words by Tara Irving / @Tarairving_
Tara is currently raising funds for the incredible charity, Bears of Hope who support grieving and bereaved families through pregnancy and infant loss. If you are in a position to donate, please do so here.