Julia McCarthy on IVF, the importance of good mental health, and the joy of being Sibella’s mum.

Not all motherhood journeys are linear, and that much was true for Julia McCarthy, Founder & Creative Director of Friends With Frank – a label that emulates quality wardrobe essentials. She talks of her yearning to become a mother and the realisation that it won’t be easy, the strength of her relationship with her husband, Tom, and coping with anxiety after loss. (Trigger warning: This conversation details loss and miscarriage.)

Can you begin by sharing your motherhood journey with us?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a mum. My husband Tom and I were high school sweethearts and also knew kids were something we absolutely wanted in our future. When we got married in 2016, we were excited to start trying for our first child around 6 months later. A year into the process and negative pregnancy tests month after month, I was feeling extremely deflated and worried something was wrong. Weirdly, I always had this feeling it wasn’t going to be easy for us to fall pregnant naturally. 

“A year into the process and negative pregnancy tests month after month, I was feeling extremely deflated and worried something was wrong. Weirdly, I always had this feeling it wasn’t going to be easy for us to fall pregnant naturally.” 

We decided to go and see a specialist who was recommended to us — a doctor in Melbourne who was dubbed the “baby-making queen”. We did multiple tests(including a biopsy), and although it showed I had a high count of natural killer cells, we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. 

We began IVF with our first doctor. The first round was exciting but incredibly daunting. I had my first egg collection and woke up in the recovery room to a cast of doctors and nurses around me. While I was under, I had had an allergic reaction and had woken up with a big, red, raised rash. They put me in ICU for the night as they were really worried. When Tom came to get me the next day, he completely broke down. He hadn't realised how full on it was all going to be. I then developed OHSS, which is Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. It's incredibly painful and can be fatal in some cases. I wasn’t allowed to have a fresh embryo transfer and was completely devastated. Little did I know, I was going to be in and out of emergency for 2 weeks recovering from OHSS. 

 We did two failed transfers after I recovered, and then decided to take a long break. It had taken a huge toll on us emotionally and we really needed time to regroup. We went overseas for a month and it was just the break we needed.When we returned, we decided to start from the beginning again.

I had a laparoscopy and they found stage 3 endometriosis, and I remember feeling a strange sense of relief that there was finally a reason we probably weren’t falling pregnant. The doctor told us we’d be pregnant within three months. This was so exciting!

Three months passed, and then six,  and we still weren’t pregnant — just deflated.  We started with a new IVF clinic and decided we weren’t going to stop until we had our baby.  After our first egg collection, I collapsed in the underground hospital car park and had to be sent to emergency for monitoring. It was happening all over again, and I wasn’t coping with the process. The next day, we received the call that none of our eggs had fertilised. We were devastated, and we hadn’t even considered this setback as a possibility.

The following week, I was experiencing pains in my heart and struggling to take full breaths. I was told by the nurses at the fertility clinic that I needed to go into emergency to get it checked. When I arrived, I was told I needed an MRI — they had found fluid around my heart. I spent the night in the Royal Melbourne cardiology ward, and by this point, I was broken.

When I was all cleared by the doctors, we started another cycle. We had an embryo transfer and after a challenging two-week wait, I decided to do a pregnancy test the morning before our HCG blood test. I was feeling exhausted and just thought that maybe, just maybe, it meant I was pregnant. To my sheer disbelief, I was. I was home alone and I completely broke down. I couldn’t believe it. The weight of it all was pouring out of me. I put the positive test in a box and waited for Tom to get home to show him. We hugged for ages. The next day, our bloods came and I was anxiously waiting for the phone call. The nurse on the other end of the phone sounded hesitant, she had said “you are pregnant, but your HCG levels aren’t as high as we’d like them to be, let’s do another test tomorrow and see if they are doubling”.  We were shattered. What does that even mean?

My second round of bloods showed although my levels were increasing, it wasn’t a viable pregnancy. We found this out on Christmas Eve. It was such a blow. The high of finding out 

I was pregnant for the very first time after such a long blow, met with the disappointment shortly after wasn’t something I could handle. We did another transfer the following Feb and the same thing happened, pregnant but not viable. 

Then COVID hit. I was walking around like an absolute zombie by this point. I could now get pregnant but not keep it. I was down every google rabbit hole I could find. Tom and I began discussing what life would be like for us if we couldn’t have kids, or what egg donor or adoption could be like. 

COVID meant that IVF and elective surgery had been cancelled. We were in the process of changing doctors to start a new cycle when it was announced IVF was back on. I was completely rattled. I had wanted to change clinics to start a new cycle of IVF, but our paperwork hasn’t been completed with the new clinic, and I was going to have to sit the month out and wait for it all to be approved. Tom suggested we just stick with the current clinic and do another round before we moved: an option I hadn’t thought of. My period came the next day, and we began a new cycle. 

The egg collection went smoothly and we got the call that three of our eggs had been successfully fertilised, so I could go in for a fresh egg collection the following week. We had never had a fresh transfer, and this was a good sign, but we weren’t getting our hopes up. Just taking one day at a time. I had to do the transfer without Tom by my side. I remember the embryologist saying in the room “this one hatched this morning”, and it made me feel like it was a really good embryo. The two-week wait had me feeling all kinds of emotions. I couldn’t wait to get the blood test result, so I took another at-home test. It was positive. It was a faint positive, but no denying I was pregnant. The call that I received the next day after my blood test was different to the other calls I had received. It was a “Congratulations! Julia, you’re pregnant!” 

What would you say to those who are going through IVF or are struggling to fall?

Use this time to build a strong relationship with yourself. Your inner voice can get quite ugly if you aren’t aware of it. 

“I found myself having thoughts of being a failure because my body wasn't able to do what it was supposed to do as a woman, while seemingly everyone I know was falling pregnant easily around me. I found myself in a dark place of “why is this happening to us!?” I saw a psychologist who specialised in the area of infertility and IVF who taught me a few coping tools. One of which was giving the inner voice producing these thoughts a name, and then addressing it and telling them to stop.”

Can you share any books or resources that helped you during your journey or what do you feel is missing in this space?

I read a couple of books that made me feel like the process was normal. “Frozen hope” was one I enjoyed. It was written by Jacqui Cooper who was an Olympic Skier, she details the ups and downs of her IVF journey. 

I love listening to podcasts, but I found a lot of them weren’t leaving me feeling good after listening to them. I think what you consume during this time can have a big effect on how you cope. There was one podcast called Big Fat Negative which I enjoyed. It was two best friends simultaneously going through infertility together. They were hilarious and it was nice to listen to them chat about their journey together. 

How did you overcome the fear of loss and anxiety whilst pregnant?

I really struggled with this side of the process. My husband Tom is big into meditation and morning journaling. When I would wake up in the morning feeling anxious he would insist that I should write down my feelings.  

After having two consecutive early miscarriages, I had a huge fear that we were going to lose our pregnancy with Sibella. So many complications had already happened for us and it made me feel like anything could happen at any point. I had to literally take everything a day at a time until she was safely in our arms. 

Can you share how it felt to hold your beautiful girl in your arms after such a long, tumultuous journey? 

An indescribable feeling and one I don’t think will go away. We were so lucky our birth experience was a beautiful one. I remember Tom bursting into tears when we could see her head. And as soon as she was put on my chest, it was as though she had always been with us. We found out we were having a girl at 10 weeks but decided to keep the sex to ourselves. We named her when we were 12 weeks pregnant and so we spoke to her the whole pregnancy. t was a really special time bonding with her while I carried her.

I love going into her room every morning and seeing her smiling face, having a chat and our first cuddle for the day. It’s a feeling I won’t ever take for granted. She’s more amazing than anything I had ever dreamed of. 

In your Mother’s Day blog, you mention how hard this journey can be on partners as well, and I know with many couples this can put stress on a relationship. Can you share what helped you both stay united?

I realised during this journey that the focus is predominantly on the woman. It was almost as though the man isn’t expected to feel the emotional toll as much as the woman. For Tom, he wanted to become a father as much as I did a mother. Tom and I have always put a lot of importance on the strength of our mental health. And because of this we knew it was important to talk about our emotions regularly and constantly check in with each other. I made sure to always ask if he was talking to his friends about it.

“Although we were each other's number one supporters, we couldn’t be everything to each other during the process, so it was important to lean on close friends as well. We found going to yoga together was a way we could reset after a big week of appointments or on a day we had received some bad news or a setback.” 

What has motherhood taught you about yourself so far?

I’ve learnt to trust my instincts. In the early stages of motherhood, it’s all very new, overwhelming and they are so tiny. You are given all kinds of advice. On a day that I was exhausted or struggling, the advice could throw me off and make me feel like I wasn’t confident in what I was doing. 

I’ve learnt to know that what I think is right probably is. I’ve also learnt to ask advice from a couple of trusted friends and family and not cast the net too wide.

What is the best part of being Sibella’s mum?

Having my best bud with me all the time. She’s now an extension of me and it has filled me with an even greater sense of purpose in life. I’m experiencing these beautiful moments with her every day that are so ever-changing, and it’s all for the first time.  She has brought my whole family so much joy. 

What are you finding most challenging?

Finding a good structure around the balance between work, being creative and being a mum. I had a real “we’ll just see how it goes” approach to maternity leave and I wish I hadn’t. I think it’s important as a business owner to allow yourself a designated period of time off before you head back to work, otherwise, it can be quite overwhelming. 

How have you juggled career and motherhood - can you give us an insight into how you work with a baby in tow?

It’s definitely a juggle, and one I don’t know that I’ve perfected very well.  Luckily, Tom and I both work within our business, so we’ve got flexibility. It means we have to talk about our weeks and days pretty regularly. Throw in a home renovation (which began the week Sibella was born) and steering a small business through a pandemic, and it’s fair to say our life has been absolute chaos for the last 8 months. 

When one of us has a busy week of work coming up, the other will clear their calendar to make sure Sibella has someone’s full attention. Being in lockdown and WFH can blur the lines a lot. But I’m looking forward to having my designated days in the office next year and then the other days spent giving her the time she needs with me. I want to be as present as I can be for these early years. 

I find motherhood to be a driving force for creativity – is this true for you also? 

With the current state of the world and spending most of my introduction to motherhood in lockdown, it has certainly challenged my creativity. But I have found motherhood has opened my mind to new categories and possibilities for the future of our Friends with Frank. 

How do you switch from work to Mum mode?

I love to get dressed in my “going into the office outfit” and spend a few “hours of power” in the office with our Friends with Frank production manager, Nat. Then when I’m at home I’m enjoying morning and afternoon walks with Sibella and our groodle, Sookie. I’m also trying to organise some catch-ups with other friends and their kids. This forces me to enjoy time outside of the house and have some quality ‘mum time’. 

Lastly, it would be silly of me not to ask for fashion advice – what are the pieces in your closet on high rotation? 

Now more than ever before, our design philosophy of creating quality staples for the streamlined wardrobe has never resonated with me more. 

“I am all about a well-tailored (and comfortable) pair of trousers, paired with a classic t-shirt or tank for easy everyday wear. You can’t go wrong with classics, especially when it comes to a bona fide mum uniform.”

I am all about a well-tailored (and comfortable) pair of trousers, paired with a classic t-shirt or tank for easy everyday wear. You can’t go wrong with classics, especially when it comes to a bona fide mum uniform. Sometimes, getting dressed for the day as a mum is your last thought, so simplifying your wardrobe ensures that you're always leaving the house looking chic and not always for the trusted activewear. 

The Friends with Frank Cleo knitted dress is probably on my highest rotation, worn with a pair of sneakers or my Marni sandals. It’s a great cut midi-length dress, super comfortable and so easy to throw in the washing machine. This dress has taken me all through pregnancy and beyond. I don’t have a huge wardrobe. I look for (and strive to create) pieces that wear well and stand the test of time, always.

Interview by Jade Fox, Editor of Dear Dilate.

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